Writing on a sleepless night

I couldn’t sleep last night and so I got behind my pc. I’m not a writer and have no experience in these matters. English isn’t even my mother tongue. But I started this and am a bit self conscious about it. Anyway, I decided to post it. I don’t know if it’s any good. It just popped into my head. It’s not about a particular person. In fact, I put several into one. 

He was intrigued by what he saw. He didn’t expect me to play along with his game. I changed the picture of me he had in his mind with each boundary I flirted with and eventually crossed. This was how we played. A game that for a long time was only played by words. But as is the case: words are never enough and I knew that day would come eventually.

And from that moment the ultimate dare got into play. A promise I couldn’t back out of. Or wouldn’t. How far was I ready to go? How far would he let me? I was well aware that it would change everything. It always does. And it did.

I had to let him go. He is the first to see that part of me. To nurture the confidence I lacked for so long. But even now, I wonder whether he in fact made me. Have I become this person today because he let me? Open up who I was, the person I hid from others. We talked about things and I could  Gradually he got me to abandon my shell. Luring me to show the real me.

He knew exactly what to say. That was his attraction: his confidence. My lack of it and him possessing it. But I’m not fooled. He hides his doubts well. He was a little scared because there were too many reasons why it couldn’t work. We both knew it. We differed so much when it came down to it. Our backgrounds made it impossible, almost like night and day. They say opposites attract and this is when the doubt came into play. Confidence and doubt. That sums it up really. Like a tango: domination, rejection, pushing and giving in.

How our paths got intertwined is a blur. I can’t remember how we started. I just know that for the first time in a long time I felt like I got to be myself. I felt free and careless, which I hadn’t felt in a long time. For years I have lived with these chains. Not on my body, but in my head. Chains others put there so I’d follow their rules. I could not cast them off. And after so long, I preferred the prison I made for myself to the reality outside it. This changed with him. He made me smile and laugh without effort. What a wonderful weapon to have. More so, he knew what weapon would work.

He made me feel at ease, so with each game we played the stakes got a little bit higher. Within limit at first. A passing of time. But time has passed considerably. And the game is no longer a game. It has turned into a dare. It was doomed.

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